May 2008, issue 33
Dear Dr. Cyclops,
I'm a twelve year-old kid who wants to be a writer some day, and my pals Chris, Teddie, Vern and I are going on a hike to see if we can find the dead body of a kid we know from school. But we also got some older kids trailing us who'd like to string us up by our bvd's. How do you handle bullies?
Gordie Lachance, Castle Rock, Oregon
PS: If Mickey is a mouse and Donald is a duck and Pluto is a dog, then what is Goofy?
I find that the best way to handle bullies is to show no fear, speak in a firm and steady voice, and shrink them down to the size of dolls so they can then be easily restrained by such ordinary household objects as clothespins, garbage bag twist ties, or hair scrunchies.
PS: I believe that Goofy is some kind of canine beast. If we were to shrink him down to one fifth his normal size, we may be able to study the question more thoroughly.
My California town has been invaded by some kind of insidious creatures from outer space, using large vegetable-like pods to grow emotionless replicas of my friends and neighbors. When you sleep, you are replaced by these alien creatures who mean to take over our entire planet. I've haven't slept in days and they know I'm the last human left in town. I'm a wreck. And my girlfriend has become kind of distant lately. What can I do to combat this monstrous and relentless threat to the human race?
Dr. Miles J. Bennett, Small Town, USA
Dear Dr. Bennett,
I see you're one of these pinko elitist card-carrying communist sympathizer types. I keep telling you not to think! Why don't you pass the time with a nice game of solitaire?
Dear Dr. Cyclops,
I'm working for an incredibly demeaning, super-demanding boss in a fast-paced, high-stress fashion magazine job and it's driving me CRAZY! I'm a smart young woman (I am!) who majored in journalism, and I feel like an idiot! I'm forced to satisfy her least demand, from coffee to plane tickets to Harry Potter novels!! And I'm always on call for her, which is causing some serious strains in my personal life -- my friends and my boyfriend are all giving me major grief about never seeing them. I miss them, but the work comes with awesome perks too (can you say "Jimmy Choos?") -- a million girls would die for this job -- and I have to admit that it's a glamorous, seductive world!! Not exactly Ohio! I mean, I am developing a serious appreciation of shoes! Me!!I never used to be so shallow! God help me, I like it! But I also like carbs! And I have no personal life! What to do??? Help!!
The Devil's Thrall, Manhattan.
Dear Devil's Thrall,
My favorite way to deal with situations like this is to carefully and meticulously compose a list of pros and cons so I have a visual representation of the problem, and then I would shrink your boss down to the size of a doll so that I could easily pick her up and, say, drop her into my sock drawer with my adorable cat, Senor Fuzzywillickers, until she understands the value of a healthy and positive work/life balance.
Love your shoes,
I fell in love with a man in Paris when I thought my husband was dead in a concentration camp. Now my husband (escaped from the camp and on the lam) and I need my ex-boyfriend's help getting out of the country, and let's just say the boyfriend hasn't quite gotten over my leaving him alone at the train station with no explanation. Plus, I think I still love my ex!! Help!!! What should I do??
Ilsa Lund, Casablanca
I keep telling you not to think! When faced with your kind of dilemma, I believe you'd be best served by the counsel of a professional and licensed North Korean therapist. And until then, perhaps you should pass the time with a nice game of solitaire, hmm? Don't you feel better?
Now be a dear and fix me a gin and tonic, easy on the ice,
Congratulations, Class of 2008! In your honor, this month's issue is devoted to advice columns.
"I want to say one word to you. Just one word." --Mr. McGuire (Walter Brooke), The Graduate (1967).
Other sites we like:
I'm a sturdy little cowboy doll, and my owner Andy just received a spaceman action figure for his birthday. I'm afraid Andy will toss me aside for this new toy, which, I have to admit, is pretty cool, with wings blinking lights and retractable helmet and all. How can I hope to compete with a space ranger for Andy's attentions?
Woody, Andy's toybox
Me, I always tell the truth. Even when I lie. So say good night to the bad guy! Come on. The last time you gonna see a bad guy like this again, let me tell you. Come on. Make way for the bad guy. There's a bad guy comin' through! Better get outta his way!
You wanna waste my time? Okay. I call my lawyer. He's the best lawyer in Miami. He's such a good lawyer, that by tomorrow morning, you gonna be working in Alaska. So dress warm.
This issue of BCLMC is brought to you all the way from the back row by Media Assistant and good listener Patrick Jewell. Tell your friends.
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BCLMC BROOKLYN CAMPUS LIBRARY MEDIA CENTER
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